In times like these, the country needs a hero. Thankfully, it’s recently found one in the form of a human-sized sugar snack.


For context, this year saw the debut of the Pop-Tarts Bowl, which continued the grand American tradition of naming sports things after bullshit. The game featured Kansas State facing off against North Carolina State, with Kansas State eventually winning by 9 points.


However, that wasn’t the main takeaway for many viewers. Instead, those watching the Pop-Tarts Bowl left wondering one thing — who is that?



That’s right. Rather than fawn over the players or be impressed by their athletic might, the bowl’s spectators became enamored by a Pop-Tarts mascot. The frosting, the soulless eyes, the unflinching smile — all of these elements captivated viewers, making them lust for the mascot and his hyper-sweet fake strawberry filling.




But the trophy ceremony gave viewers a real surprise. At the end of the game, the Pop-Tart mascot climbed upon a giant toaster and sacrificed himself for all those who stood before him. After a few seconds, much like Christ, he emerged again — only this time, he bore a new form. In short, he was cake, and all those who saw him feasted upon him.



“Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” — Pop-Tarts box, probably.


Goodbye, sweet prince. We can only hope to see you, and eat you, again sometime soon.