If you haven’t been following the news, aliens are apparently real. Naturally, this has spurred a lot of questions about what these aliens are all about. What do they look like? Are they hot? Do they have penises? Can we see the penises? 


All important questions that I’m sure scientists are hard at work answering. But if you’re just looking for some bare-bones information about aliens, look no further than Blink-182 guitarist and singer Tom DeLonge.


DeLonge has a lot of credits to his name. For example, he’s the guy who yells “WHERE AHR YEWWW” in the song “Miss You.” He also has a UFO research organization called “To the Stars Academy of Arts & Science,” which appears to have released UFO videos to the New York Times a full three years before the Pentagon declassified them.


All of this makes DeLonge among the foremost experts on aliens in the U.S., and in a recent Twitter post, he shed a little more light on what exactly we’re dealing with when it comes to alien creatures.



According to his Tweet, aliens can “bend the fabric of spacetime, manipulate and control antimatter reactions, contain and transfer the human soul, alter and progress the human genome and timeshare our consciousness.”


So… a few questions.



To get this out of the way, we’ll just let the initial two points slide. I don’t know anything about spacetime and what bending it would involve, nor do I have any awareness about antimatter reactions. If there are aliens, and they want to use their (small? large? wide?) penises to bend spacetime, more power to them. That said, I am a human, and I guess I have a soul. Therefore, the points that follow make me — and I’m assuming others like me — very concerned.


What does it mean to contain a soul? Do they trade in souls? Is there an alien out there with my soul hoping to flip it on an interplanetary version of Depop? Why would an alien want to alter the human genome? And, most importantly — is my consciousness being used as a goddamn timeshare?



I can’t say I’m a fan of potentially becoming the star of alien Being John Malkovich. At least I heard it from someone I trust — the dude who wrote Take Off Your Pants and Jacket.