The Funniest and Corniest Jokes That I Found Today
RobynHitchcock
Published
09/11/2019
A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten.
One of the teachers comes and asks him:
"Are you expecting a child?"
"No. I am a bit fat that's all"
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...
It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went ahead and gave a two-hour lecture on taking things too literally.
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party, he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.
'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...
They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."
My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained: “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I made a mistake at the grocery store.
I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?
Kick them out of congress.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."
The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."
Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the man's surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with airport security as a sniffer dog. I was really good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while, I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...
...has always been my Achilles' elbow.
How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
One of the teachers comes and asks him:
"Are you expecting a child?"
"No. I am a bit fat that's all"
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...
It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went ahead and gave a two-hour lecture on taking things too literally.
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party, he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.
'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...
They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."
My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained: “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I made a mistake at the grocery store.
I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?
Kick them out of congress.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."
The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."
Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the man's surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with airport security as a sniffer dog. I was really good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while, I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...
...has always been my Achilles' elbow.
How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
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