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While most of the entries on this list are more recent, X-MAN (no relation to the Marvel Comics character) came out on the Atari 2600. But one thing is for sure: nobody was going to be able to come while playing this terrible game.
After navigating a maze successfully, the game gives you an awful cutscene of doggystyle sex. It looks terrible, and the sounds during the sex are like you’re actually banging H.E.L.P.eR from The Venture Bros. Although it is worth a laugh when the man orgasms and players are treated to sound effects that would have been right at home in Missile Command.
2. DmC: Devil May Cry
Speaking of red orbs, they are back in DmC, the slightly more grown-up version of the original hit game. While this title improves on the original entries in many ways, it also found a way to horrify us with a freaky sex scene.
You get to see the villain Mundus banging away with a partner who looks monstrous and deformed. That would be bad enough, but the fact that he can’t stop staring at pictures of himself during the event adds an insane American Psycho element to the sex.
3. God of War (2005)
What is the hallmark of a really bad sex scene in a video game? If you would rather prefer that your friends and family catch you watching real porn instead of playing this game!
That’s the case in God of War. In this game, sex is just a minigame you can play with various women. While it doesn’t shy away from nudity, the “sex” usually moves the camera away so all you hear are bad pornstar groans while you hit buttons at the right time. Your reward for success is red orbs, but the shame of playing this stupid minigame is what will really stay with you.
Quantum Dreams is a repeat offender when it comes to cringe sex scenes. And one of the worst examples comes in the game Fahrenheit.
The sex scene in question mostly involves two ugly, naked character models lifelessly moving on top of each other at the speed of melting ice. Honestly, it would have been sexier if the game just cut to naked Ken and Barbie dolls trying to figure out where their sex organs went.
5. Witcher 3
Obviously, your definition of “cringe sex scene” may vary. And that brings us to a divisive entry: the sex scene in Witcher 3 involving Geralt, Yennefer, and a huge, stuffed unicorn.
Sex on a stuffed animal is arguably already cringe, and the glimpse into Yennefer’s sexual preferences is a bit odd. However, some couples find this scene to be an honest (if odd) look into how every sexual relationship has some weird quirks and preferences for each partner.
6. Ride To Hell: Retribution
It’s one thing to have a bad sex scene or two tucked into your game. But it’s that much worse when awful sex is basically all your game is known for.
That’s the case in Ride To Hell: Retribution, a biker game that is only remembered for all the ways it looks and sounds like a porno. But a porno with an insane twist: everyone keeps their clothes on during sex. Again, a lack of nudity isn’t inherently bad, but it’s tough for us to believe these dry-humping characters are having actual intercourse.
7. Mass Effect 2
The sex scenes in Mass Effect are always hit or miss. For example, they are usually weird and off-putting. But the very existence of these sex scenes in the original Mass Effect caused outlets like Fox News to falsely claim the game featured full-frontal nudity.
Generally speaking, we don’t find the lack of nudity in these sex scenes to be a dealbreaker. But when you finally hook up with Tali in Mass Effect 2, you don’t get to see any part of her body, especially the face that fans always wanted to see. Ultimately, this sex scene was a tease in the worst possible way.
8. Terminator: Resistance
Chances are you haven’t played Terminator: Resistance, so you probably don’t know it has multiple romance options. And this leads to sex scenes that make the awful sex in the actual Terminator movie look like high art!
Perhaps the creepiest sex scene is between your character and Jennifer. The first-person viewpoint is meant to be erotic but ends up being weird and distracting. But the weirdest part is Jennifer’s lifeless eyes. Honestly, there are sex dolls out there with more of a spark of humanity than this!
9. Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
The best thing we can say about the sex scene in Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood is this: at least they tried.
The game tries to be sexy by showing Ezio slowly disrobing and taking a bath. But once Caterina Sforza comes in, the whole thing turns into a bad Cinemax movie with far less nudity. And even if you like part of this (oddly long) lovemaking scene, the quick time jump transitions are likelier to give you ADD rather than get you off.
10. Heavy Rain
Remember when we said that Quantum Dream was a repeat offender? Well, they are behind our next entry: Heavy Rain.
On a sliding scale, the sex scene in Heavy Rain between Ethan and Madison looks better than the one in Fahrenheit and is more erotic. But the fact that sex is turned into a quicktime event really drains this moment of any real sense of intimacy or sexiness.