Suspended Baby Cage: If you want your baby to get some fresh air but are too drunk or agoraphobic to take them outside, why not place them several stories above hard pavement in an apartment window? The suspended baby cage will let your neighbors know you learned everything about humane treatment by watching circus animal trainers.

ComfortWipe: Do you scream at the sight of your own poop? The ComfortWipe let you wipe your ass without having to burn your hands later from fear of germs. All you need is a rectal toilet brush, complete with wipes that could be disposed with the press of a button. This is the perfect product for people who need tongs to pee into a urinal.

Curved-Barrel Machine Gun: With the curved machine gun, even you can shoot blindly around corners at what might be an intruder, the boogeyman, or your friends throwing you a surprise birthday party!

Handerpants: Handerpants are hand underpants.

Fire Box Trap: Tired of people pulling the fire alarm to get out of school, work, or their own wedding? The fire box trap slams a lock on the wrist of the prankster that can only be undone by the police or fire department. Of course, if the alarm is pulled during an actual fire, the trapped person will burn to death knowing they helped others get out safely.

Inflatable Dartboard: The inventor of the inflatable dart board said those words together, in a row, out loud, and still somehow made it a reality. This is like making edible support beams.

Anti-Eating Face Mask: Like the baby cage, the no-eating mask comes from an era when the answer to every household need was imprisonment. In this case, users of the mask could lock down their own mouths, making them unable to chew any more food. This is a great product for anyone who found that hot-gluing their own lips together was ineffective.

Buck the Singing Trophy Deer: One-up your friend’s singing bass by performing karaoke through the mounted head of Bambi’s dad. This product is from the same people who might bring you “Bear Rug that Screams in Agony Every Time You Step on It.”

Bread Loafers: You get it? You get it?! It’s like “bread loaf”, but they're slippers for your feet so they're called bread loafers. Just make sure to take the shoes off before shoving them into the toaster.

Walking Sleeping Bag: You'll be glad you have a walking sleeping bag when you have to abandon your campsite in the middle of the night and wander the woods until you’re mistaken for Bigfoot and shot.