The Bible Game

On paper, the Bible Game sounds simple enough. It’s just a mixture of Christian trivia and mini-games...what could go wrong?

The answer is “everything.” While the trivia is pretty straightforward, the minigames are insane and have little to do with religion. Perhaps the highlight of this title is a fighting minigame where you can have Eve (covered only in leaves) fight Mary. Why Mary has a halo and is holding baby Jesus during combat is anyone’s guess.

Sunday Funday: The Ride

We’ve touched on Sunday Funday before. This is the game that started life as Menace Beach, where your skateboarding hero is trying to save his girl before all her clothes fall off in front of the bad guys. The devs gave their old secular game a Christian makeover and re-released it as Sunday Funday.

The funniest thing is how little they actually changed. For example, the biggest change is that you no longer see screens between levels of your girlfriend hurling verbal abuse as she loses clothing. Instead, you get fantasies of what your Sunday school teacher would be telling you.

Bible Adventures

For many, the NES Bible Adventures was the pinnacle of Christian video game entertainment. That doesn’t mean it’s any good, though.

It’s really three games in one, but the standout game is Baby Moses. You have to lug Moses around like you’re holding veggies in Super Mario Bros. 2. If you get frustrated or just need some laughs, you can throw Moses into the water or even complete the level without him.

All the game does is gently remind you that you forgot the baby. If only the police were so forgiving when you left your own little “Moses” in that hot car!

The You Testament

Everything about The You Testament screams “parody.” But this ugly game is painfully earnest, which may be why it impressed streamers like PewDiePie.

Basically, you start with the world’s worst character creator so you can recreate yourself as one of the disciples of Jesus. Unfortunately, the wisdom of Jesus is paraphrased, garbled, and filled with awkward pop culture references that make everything sound weird and inaccurate.

If you’ve got a test coming up in Sunday school, don’t use this game to study. If you do, you’ll never make it into Sunday college.

Catechumen

You know how that quiet classmate or those nice kids visiting door to door want to use kind words so that Jesus will enter your heart? The game Catechumen imagines a very different approach.

This game is a first-person slasher where you run around smiting demons with your sword. That part is actually kinda fun, but where it gets weird is when you convert Romans to Christianity. You do so by firing Zelda-style sword blasts into them until they get on their knees and repent.

Was Link secretly the most dangerous Christian in the world? We need to investigate further.

Super Noah’s Ark 3D

Super Noah’s Ark 3D is another Christian game that was an utterly crazy FPS. This particular title rips off Wolfenstein 3D in the worst possible way.

As the game name implies, you are Noah, and you’re trying to round up animals for your ark. But they won’t come willingly, so you’re running around with weapons like slingshots to beat these animals into submission and drag them onto the boat.

The gameplay isn’t half bad, but the whole premise is insane. You’re basically on a holy mission to abuse and mutilate animals until you can drag them onto God’s floating Bang Bus.

Jesus in Space

What does Jesus have in common with movie monsters like Jason Voorhees and the Leprechaun? Simple: his adventures got even weirder once he went to space!

Unfortunately, the title of Jesus in Space is more metaphorical. Instead of actually taking the big man into space, you play as Christian space explorers who must use a series of dumb edutainment puzzles and games to spread the good word to alien planets.

Just imagine if Star Trek was about really aggressive fundamentalists and the Prime Directive simply said “you always interfere with other planets’ development” and you’ll get the idea.

Bibleman

In retrospect, the Bibleman series feels like an elaborate prank. Bibleman’s costume looks like something out of a bad Power Rangers episode, and he inexplicably fights knockoff Captain Planet villains with his lightsaber.

However, the character and videos were apparently popular enough to spawn a Bibleman video game. The isometric design and graphics aren’t that bad, but the “combat” involves nothing more than deflecting enemy shots back at them. And the game’s primary spiritual motivation comes in the form of awful FMV sequences that will make you want to meet your maker much sooner rather than later.

Left Behind: Eternal Forces

If you don’t remember, the Left Behind books were a once-popular series imagining the adventures of people left behind after the Rapture. The idea was that these people effectively had a second chance at redemption.

In the game Left Behind: Eternal Forces, this is quite literal: as you are surrounded by other humans and can gain points if you convert them to Christianity. However, you can also brutally kill them, and all the game does is dock you points while your murder spree continues.

Hilariously, you even have the option to play for the bad guys. That’s right: in this major Christian video game, you can spend hours killing people in the service of the Antichrist!

Captain Bible in Dome of Darkness

Captain Bible in Dome of Darkness has a fairly insane name for a video game. But trust us: the actual gameplay is much weirder than whatever you are imagining.

Despite your hero rocking a sword and shield, you fight in a sci-fi dystopia filled with killer droids. To defeat them, you must counter their lies with truths from your electronic bible. But your electronic bible has been damaged and you must collect different verses as you go in order to win the game.

As many reviewers have pointed out, the fact that your character has memorized exactly none of the bible and must collect various fragments is hilarious. Captain Bible is the real version of those dudes who say they’d never remember who Robert E. Lee was if they didn’t have a statue in front of them.

Journey to Heaven The basic premise of Journey to Heaven is simple enough. You play as an astronaut who dies and goes to heaven. After that, the whole game is mostly a walking simulator set inside God’s kingdom.

Aside from that being pretty boring on its own, the strangest thing about JOurney to Heaven is your heavenly guide Axis, who looks and sounds more like a porn star than an angel. If you’re a Christian dude but also just super-horny for angelic beings, I guess this game is for you.

Islamic Fun

Islamic Fun is a pretty innocuous name for a children’s religious game. But it doesn’t take very long before things start getting really, really strange!

The game starts out with cutesy designs and Islamic trivia questions: all good so far. But you’ll quickly notice the questions that want you to accurately identify things like “the crime of the Jews.” This culminates in a special minigame where every correct trivia answer you provide helps you blow up Zionist tanks.

Basically, if you want to start an Israel/Palestine debate with your roommate in the stupidest possible way, this is the game to do it.

The War in Heaven

The War in Heaven is, inexplicably, another first-person slasher. However, it dispenses with any ideas of converting humans. Instead, your character has descended into hell and regulates with weapons ranging from swords to a heavenly trumpet.

Amusingly, this is another game where you are given the option to play for the bad guys. This is tempting because the demonic design is one of the only nice things about this game.

Guitar Praise

What can we say about Guitar Praise? It’s basically a Christian version of Guitar Hero only much worse.

A big part of the gimmick is all the songs are from Christian bands. You get quite a few songs from the Newsboys and what appears to be an entire album from Stryper, a Christian “heavenly metal” band that will make you cringe with every single chord.

Dance Praise

If Guitar Praise is the Christian version of Guitar Hero, you can probably take a guess about Dance Praise. That’s right: it’s the Christian version of Dance Dance Revolution.

As usual, this knockoff’s gameplay is worse than the game that inspired it. However, while longer, the list of tracks for this game is somehow even more embarrassing than Guitar Praise. If you really hate yourself, you can buy the God Rocks! Bibletoons expansion pack and listen to a children’s band somehow make Christian music even worse than you ever thought possible.