“Joking about pregnancy. I have a now ex that texted me a picture of a positive pregnancy test at 3am. Then she got mad because I called her immediately asking about it. She got mad because I needed to chill and it was just a joke.”

“Touching your wife after handling spices and peppers.”

“Calling out your own name and slapping your own ass.”

“Well, not intercourse, but oral: never go down on a girl who feels insecure about her pubes, and then, as a joke, hack like you’ve inhaled a hair.”

“First-hand experience; doing it on the beach. There is no way sand isn’t gonna… it just isn’t.”

“Getting off without ever making sure that your lover also got off. Doesn’t matter who comes first or last.. but you all come (I mean unless they were all “Nah I’m done let’s eat”)”

“Don’t insult anyone’s genitals during sex. Women don’t need to hear that their unshaved vulva is ugly and men don’t need to hear that their uncut penis is a turn-off.”

“Them turning on Game of Thrones to use as background noise. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna keep looking at the television especially if I keep hearing moans, battle scenes and climactic music lol.”

“From my experience, talking about something unrelated, even if you think it would be REALLY funny.”

“Lying about being on birth control then refusing and lying about getting plan b when he freaks out.”

“Small talk. Please don’t ask me what the weather is like right now.”

“Blowing forcefully into an orifice.”

“Trying kinky things without first discussing them with your partner.”

“Shouting out another dudes name. Especially if it’s “LEEROOYY JEENKIINNSS!!” and she doesn’t understand the reference.”