“I learned this in third grade: If someone sticks their tongue out at you, say, "No thanks...I use toilet paper". They will never do it again. Works with ALL ages.”

“"OH now I see what people were talking about" And never fill them in.”

“Reply by Billy Connolly to a heckler. Save your breath you'll need it for your blow up doll”

“If somebody says “what are you looking at?” I respond with “I’m asking myself the same thing””

“I’ve been called worse by better.”

"I envy the people who've never met you."

“I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.”

“Anytime a redneck curses at me I say a variation of “You f**k your sister with that mouth?”

“Usually in England one of the most common insults is “you're gay” in response say “Don’t get your hopes up”

“Not reeeeally an insult, but: if someone says 'thats what she said!' I reply with a solid 'yeah, not to you.' never fails to amuse.”

“When somebody says, “Do you know who my father is?” Just reply, “Why? Your mom didn’t tell you?”

“"What people say about you was indeed the truth!" even if its fake it will eat anyone from inside thinking how they're being judged.”

“If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.”

“Not exactly what you asked, but I heard a good reply to someone asking "Why are you so quiet": "I'm in mourning" "For who?" "The silence"

“I'll f**k your mum so she can have a child that doesn't disappoint her.”

“You want to suck WHAT?”

“You will never die of brain cancer.”

"That might be hurtful if anyone gave a s**t what you think."

“Your b**ch ass got that insult from Reddit”

“I’m impressed you could come up with that witty insult despite your disadvantage.”

"Your breath is so bad, people look forward to your farts”

“I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”

“Cute". A lot of these comebacks are very clever, but they just show that you're spending time memorizing a generic phrase because you get insulted a lot. It's like a pickup line - just cheesy. "Cute" is dismissive and patronizing.

"I'm only fat because every time I f**k your mom she makes me a sandwich" always made me laugh

“The best comeback is to silently pretend you didn't even hear the insult so no one suspects you, then go slash their tires at a designated later time, as well as a simultaneous flaming bag of poo. The divided attention between to two incidents becomes the catalyst for a fight or flight response which will considerably increase the chance that they will actually go right for the stomp in the event that they've already heard of the flaming bag of poo.”