The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

Siri, why am I still single?! *Siri activates front camera*

Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.

Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.