What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...

My roommate says I have schizophrenia. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.... Apparently, “Really big ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" "Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I replied, "Go for it!" He shouted, “NO!! NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Slightly puzzled, I said, “That’s Superman."“Thanks man!” he laughed. “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”

How do you tell a chemist from a communist? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!! What are the odds?!

I’m not bragging or anything, but I made six figures this year… So they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory...

“Back in the day...” my grandpa started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $3 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But..."Now however".. he continued, "wherever you go there are those darn cameras."

For the last eight years I've been voted the " most secretive guy " in the office by my coworkers.Can't tell you how much this award means to me.

My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years....and then we met.

Thank you student loans for getting me through college. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.

My wife is turning 32 soon and I told her not to get her hopes up, “After all, the celebration is only going to last half a minute.” Confused, she asked, “What are you talking about?”I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars......and came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!"

Can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Seriously, how low can you go.

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into movie theatres. Well lets just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

I went to the store last week to buy 6 cans of Sprite. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had picked 7 up.

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors but he turned himself in......after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the man.

Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back..."Tell him I've already got one!"

Iron Man is technically a FEmale.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...It must have been the delivery...

My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy... At least, that’s what she said in her diary.

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued..."Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...I think I managed to cover my tracks...

I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm...I’m the CIEIO!!!!

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic...Inside jokes, only.