Mars, Incorporated has tragically announced the
retirement of its iconic M&M spokescandies in favor of human spokesperson Maya Rudolph. Its decision comes after months of
criticism from Tucker Carlson and the far right over the expanded sexualities of the M&Ms. Despite his strange obsession with the sexy green M&M, Tucker's big mouth now means we don't get to enjoy any of them. This is why we can't have nice things!
In honor of the green M&M's retirement, the Twitter account
@macygilliam made a list ranking her "most fuckable cartoon brand mascots." Here is her list, and some of our own additions, along with recommendations from the internet. Get ready to be stimulated by some sweltering spokesmascot sexiness.
1
We begin with the sexy queer icon herself, Ms. Green.
2
Leading off Macy's list is the Jolly Green Giant. You just know he's packing a huge stalk, and with that hair and smile, this healthy dude is a prime hunk of veggie meat.
3
It's no secret that Mr. Clean is top tier sexy. There's even a Super Bowl commercial about it.
4
Second on Macy's list is Wendy, but she is too young for our official list.
6
Toucan Sam just seems like a nice guy. And as one comment points out, "Is that an orange feather or is he excited to see you?"
7
Mr. Pringle is ready to give you a mustache ride! With the full name of Julius Pringle, how could you say no to this distinguished gentleman with a salty side. He has some interesting fan art as well.
10
The Kool Aid Man is only ranked a 5/10 on Macy's list, but we think he should be much higher. And he'll let you know when the climax is coming. "Oh no.... oh no... OH YEAHHH!!!"
11
The Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo Bird rounds out Macy's list, and is an odd inclusion for some. But as one comment says, "You know he’s gonna pawn ur shit but the pipe is incredible."
12
That's where Macy's list ends, but even she acknowledges her mistake of snubbing of the king, Tony the Tiger.
13
"These two were definitely into freaky shit," says
Dan Toomey while adding this contribution.
14
You know that the Captain strikes the perfect balance of having fun while staying respectful.
15
Chester Cheetah is that bad boy you better watch out for around your girl.
16
When he says finger lickin' good, how do you know what he's referring to?
17
The Laughing Cow just has that look... and some nice curves.
18
Mr. Peanut is hit or miss. If you want an old fashioned good time, you've found your nut.
19
You know the Michelin Man comes prepared with some extra rubber.
20
How could you say no to the Chiquita girl?
21
You know he'll lend a helping hamburger hand, and he's probably great with those fingers.
22
Now this is just weird.
23
He's married! We can't condone home-wrecking this ultra-soft relationship.
24
If only he could keep his boat from sinking, he'd be prime dilf material.
25
You know Mr.s Butterworths is sweet as syrup, and good at making a perfect breakfast.
