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We all know about the mushroom in Super Mario Bros. Mario simply touches this thing and he goes from being a tiny little man to being a chunky plumber.
While that’s cool and all, we don’t really trust food that can magically make you change size. This thing is likely to shrink your balls and manhood alike. If you’re not careful, your princess might not even know that you’ve entered her castle!
2. Zelda Fairy
The fairies in Zelda are kind of weird. Some of them are found in the wild or hanging out in special areas. But soon, the franchise gave you the ability to capture fairies in bottles for later use.
This is already messed up...Link is basically enslaving fairies for his own personal benefit. What do you think happens when he lets a pissed-off magical being zap him with energy? Link’s going to be lucky if his balls don’t shrink to the size of Deku nuts.
3. Nuka Cola
Ah, Nuka Cola. Fallout is a franchise with many memorable items, but none more than this iconic soda and its bottle caps that people use as currency.
But certain varieties of Nuka Cola (like Quantum) literally glow with radiation. We’re pretty sure if you drink enough of this stuff then your balls will start to look as appealing as Fallout 76.
4. Chrome Power-Pellets
The Chrome Power-Pellets in Pac-Man are about as simple as powerups get. Grab one of these big, glowing balls and suddenly you can chow down on the ghosts trying to devour you.
But does nobody think there will be any side effects? In Ghostbusters, our heroes are worried about the possible side effects of carrying their “unlicensed nuclear accelerators” on their backs to bust ghosts.
We’re pretty sure the side effects from Pac-Man’s own ghostbusting powerups are likely to leave Ms. Pac-Man very disappointed. And even if all these metal balls don’t shrink Pac’s “man,” we’re pretty sure eating them means his Pac-kids aren’t going to college.
5. Chaos Emeralds
The exact role of the Chaos Emeralds in the Sonic games has always been weird. Sure, there is deep mythology there, but most players focus on the fact that Robotnik wants these magical items and Sonic needs to stop him.
But in some versions of the Sonic Bible, these emeralds are responsible for turning Robotnik from a really thin dude to a fat Eggman, all because he was eating an egg when the emerald-powered Reverse Quantum BioFormulator zapped him.
If the Chaos Emeralds can suddenly make people grow, then Sonic needs to stay away.
6. Berserk Pack
Thanks to the infamous old comic book, we know the protagonist of Doom is all about that “rip and tear” life. And in the original games, this is most clear when you get the Berserker Pack. It restores your health, makes you view the world through a red haze, and lets you splatter enemies with one or two good punches.
In short, this is “roid rage: the powerup.” This is a lot of fun, but we’re pretty sure that by now, the Doom Slayer’s balls don’t match the size of his “BFG.”
7. Super Star
The Super Star is another iconic powerup from Super Mario Bros. And it couldn’t be simpler to operate: Mario grabs it, becomes invincible, and then smashes into his enemies with the confidence of a serial killer knowing there will one day be a Netflix movie about his life.
But over the course of the many Mario games and adaptations, the stars do different things. Sometimes, they make Mario magnetic; other times, they convert Yoshi into a giant egg. These unpredictable things will probably shrink Mario’s little “brothers” (unless they are radioactive, in which he’ll probably just die first).
8. Energy Tanks
The difficulty of the Mega Man games varies greatly. But you can always count on the Energy Tanks to keep you in the fight against difficult Robot Masters.
But what do we really know about this stuff? Mega Man drinks some glowing juice out of a weird can and then goes to destroy his enemies? We’re gonna be lucky if the Blue Bomber doesn’t GET EQUIPPED WITH SHRUNKEN TESTIES.
Thanks to Hades, we are experiencing a Rogue-like renaissance. But older gamers still have a soft spot for one of the best Rogue-likes: the 1987 game NetHack.
One of the weirder things you can do in NetHack is eat the zombie-like Wraiths after you kill them. It makes sense in a brutal, survivalist way, but we’re pretty sure chomping down on the necrotic flesh of supernatural beings isn’t going to do anything good for your little “rogues.”
10. Mega Vitamins
If you don’t remember, Mega Vitamins are at the heart of Dr. Mario. These are the items that Mario throws at the colorful viruses to destroy them. And that has always been the contradiction in these games.
Sure, the game tells us these are just “vitamins.” But what simple vitamins do you know that instantly destroy deadly bacteria? By the time that perverted freak “Dr.” Wario started hoarding these things, it was clear these were basically gas station penis pills destined to shrink your balls.