15 Crappy “Erotic” Games Made For Simps
Most people like to keep their video games and porn separate. Sometimes, though, devs cater to everyone else by releasing “erotic” video...
Published 3 years ago in Facepalm
And “erotic” is in quotes because these games are the biggest turnoffs in the world. And here is a list of the worst offenders!
1
Geisha
Like the other games on this list, Geisha is terribly unerotic. But it also can’t figure out what kind of game it wants to be.
This is a point-and-click game that incorporates arcade action sequences, interactive card games, and other unexpected elements. And the story, about saving your girlfriend from being turned into some kind of cyborg geisha, is insane.
Fun story about Geisha: when Amiga Power went to review this game, the reviewers openly speculated about whether this was the worst full-price game they were ever forced to play!2
BMX XXX
Ever play a BMX game and decide that the one thing missing is naked women and dirty words? If so, you might be the one person BMX XXX was made for.
The actual gameplay is pretty fun, and it came from the same Acclaim team that brought us Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX. But the topless character creator and FMV stripper clips just feel weirdly shooed-in to an otherwise decent game.3
The Guy Game
The Guy Game is a PlayStation 2 “erotic” game (later ported to other platforms), and it’s just as stupid as whatever you just imagined in your head. It’s basically a trivia game where correct answers are eventually rewarded with bad FMV of naked women.
Bonus creep factor: if you buy the original PS2 game, then you may be committing a crime. That is because one of the naked ladies in this game was underage at the time and did not give her permission to appear in the title, resulting in major controversy and a lawsuit.4
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
For many years, Leisure Suit Larry was practically the mascot for erotic games. And his vintage adventures had a certain charm back in the 1980s.
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude was a 2004 attempt to make Larry’s adventures look and feel more modern. But the previous clever double entendres are now just blunt, unfunny sexual references, and the graphics of this game look like the worst poser erotica from the depths of the internet.5
Playboy: The Mansion
Given the popularity of the Playboy brand, it was inevitable that we’d get some Playboy-branded erotic games. But Playboy: The Mansion is a major disappointment.
It’s basically like a crappier version of The Sims with equally crappy nudity. Honestly, if this kind of thing gets you off, you’re better downloading some Sims mods and calling it a day!6
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties
Thanks to the Angry Video Game Nerd, plenty of people now know about Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. If you’re not already in the know, this Panasonic 3D0 title is basically an interactive DVD with a nonsensical story and about as much erotic value as a children’s coloring book.
Still, many people want to experience this awful title just to see how bad it is. If you hate yourself that much, this game is getting a modern re-release soon from Limited Run Games.7
Sexy Poker
Most of the games on this list are fairly old and made for ancient computers or consoles. But Sexy Poker has the dubious distinction of being one of the only erotic games made for the Nintendo Wii.
However, due to classification issues in other countries, this strip poker game was censored to remove nudity. That’s right: it’s a stripping game that keeps its characters from completely stripping. Great job on this WiiWare game, Nintendo!8
Hot Slots While this is true of most gambling games, slot machines were obviously meant to be played in person. There is something about the tactile feel of pulling the lever and, if you’re lucky, gathering your winnings in your hands.
But Hot Slots for the NES replaces this with just twigging buttons on your NES controller. And you can’t do anything with your virtual winnings except get your 8-bit host to take off your clothes. It doesn’t take a horny gamer long to realize they are better off just taking their time and money to an actual strip club.9
Peek-A-Boo Poker
What do regular poker and strip poker have in common? Simple: you really need other people to have a good time.
And that’s what makes Peek-A-Boo Poker feel so sad. The poker gameplay is fun enough, but the idea that you are working hard to see 8-bit booba is enough to instantly drive you to depression.10
Bubble Bath Babes
Unlike many games on this list, Bubble Bath Babes is kind of fun. Then again, that is not so surprising considering that they completely ripped off Puzzle Bobbles for the gameplay.
Aside from the decent gameplay, all this game has to offer is badly digitized images of nude women. As an erotic NES game, this title has historical value. But as a game trying to be sexy, this is a complete failure.11
Sex Olympics
Sex Olympics commits a special kind of developer sin: squandering a fun premise. After all, the idea of succeeding in some kind of sexual competition would make for a great parody game.
Unfortunately, this point-and-click game is a glitchy mess that isn’t fun at all, and only the most down bad dude on the planet could get off from this. Amiga Joker magazine actually gave this game a 6% if that gives you an idea of how bad it is!12
Bachelor Party
Beyond its “erotic” theme, the least we can hope for with these titles is that they are fun. But that’s not the case with Bachelor Party!
This game plays like a sideways Arkanoid, but instead of batting around a ball, you are sending a freaky naked man flying into naked ladies. While the penis going from soft to hard and back again is a nice touch, this game just looks bad and plays even worse.13
X-Man
No, X-Man is not a video game about a mutant with fantastic powers. Unless you count “boring us to death” as a power!
Gameplay is all about moving a naked dude through a labyrinth and dodging enemies and traps that threaten to cut, slice, or bite your penis off. The only “erotic” part of this game comes from the intercourse minigames between levels that will make you want to drink bleach.14
Custer's Revenge
Custer’s Revenge is definitely the most infamous game on this list. You take control of the famous General Custer and navigate him through lethal arrows so he can rape a Native American woman who is tied up.
Obviously, this dumb rape game was problematic from the beginning. But the graphics are an abomination on top of that, and watching how proud Custer is of his thin pecker is just weird for all of us.15
Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em
The gameplay of Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em is as simple as the premise is gross. You take control of women trying to catch droplets of sperm as a man at the top of the screen loosens his load.
The box tries to look sexy, but it was drawn by someone who couldn’t even cut it at DeviantArt. And the sprites of these women licking their lips at the end of a level will give you nightmares instead of wet dreams.
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