It Keeps Getting Worse

On one hand, it’s good to let your playgroup know when you’re going to be unavailable. But this entire story is bonkers from beginning to end.

Like, your dad walking in on you masturbating is already the stuff of nightmares. But why next to your sleeping brother?

He’s sorry he let his squad down. Kid, I’m pretty sure you let all of us down and should probably stay away from anything with a “joystick,” at least until your brother is out of the room.

But Does His Uncle Work for Nintendo?

Growing up in the ‘80s and ‘90s, it was a proud tradition that some idiot kid at school would claim to have an uncle working for Nintendo. This was meant to add credence to some of the dumbest fake rumors this kid could think of.

However, this Xbox kiddie takes things a step further by claiming that his dad “owns Microsoft.” Unless his dad is Bill Gates, this kid is crazy. But maybe Bill finding out he has a secret love child spreading dirt over Xbox ix what led to Bill and Melinda’s divorce.

Cool Story, Bro

Here, we have another dude who decided to write a whole novel via Xbox Live messages. But what makes this so weird is not the length of the message but its content.

The writer wants to come across as a vengeful god promising pain to lesser beings. But just as Captain Kirk once asked “what does God need with a starship,” we can’t help but ask: what does God need with an Xbox?

Press “F” To Pay Your Respects

Long before the COVID-19 pandemic, gamers realized Xbox Live was a great way to make new friends from around the world. And as time went on, more players went back to link up with their old gaming buddies.

In this sad example, a gamer learns that his old friend has actually died. This awkward moment brought more feels than laughs, but it’s a powerful reminder of the unexpected influence all of us can have on the lives of others.

Somebody Shave Me

Only the bravest or stupidest of Xbox gamers play with the microphone set to “speaker.” And it looks like this guy definitely falls into the “stupidest” camp.

After God knows how long, the aggrieved user sent a message pleading with the man to stop discussing his shaved butthole. All that’s left is for us to figure out who is dumber: the guy telling strangers about his butt habits or the guy that doesn’t know how to mute the other party.

Who Needs An Actual Therapist?

They say a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters could eventually produce the work of Shakespeare. On a related note, after enough Xbox Live messages, some sad sack was bound to have a breakthrough about what is wrong with them.

In this case, a user realizes he is actually projecting negative feelings about his father onto other people. We can only hope he managed to heal after this, but the original message is pure cringe mixed with pure sadness.

Digging That Hole

Most of these awkward Xbox Live moments speak for themselves because the initial messages are full of cringe. But this user shows that a reply can always make it worse.

In this case, the recipient of this hooked-on-phonics shakedown responds with a sarcastic and obviously fake e-mail address and password. And the fact that the original messenger thinks he actually fooled someone just makes you feel kind of sad for him.

He Tried, At Least

It takes a lot to intimidate the average Xbox player. After all, they endorse screeching 12-year-olds quite regularly. So this user tried a different approach: pretending to bust the other player for “modding and fraud.”

However, the typos really undermine the idea that this is some kind of official warning. And it was already pretty tough to treat anything from a cartoon panda AVI as being any kind of real threat.

Truly Cursed Image

What does “thirsty” look like? If you had to sum it up in one image, it would probably be this one.

Like, cruising for ass on Xbox Live is already kind of weird and desperate. And assuming that someone wants to hook up after playing a single match is fairly insane.

However, anyone who chooses to go by the handle “DirtyDaddyHole” is clearly someone with no shame and absolutely nothing to lose.

When Less Is More

When you get right down to it, the internet is like an ongoing communications experiment. And we’re learning some real lessons, including the same fact that less really can be more.

Take this weird exchange for example. The guy who wrote the giant reply probably feels like he really owned the other dude. But taking out your thesaurus and writing a whole essay to the guy slinging monosyllabic insults only ends up making the longwinded guy look worse.

Rumor Has It

This is another one where we can only hope the guy is joking. Otherwise, we’ve got someone that is most certainly starting more rumors about himself than he is clearing up.

And if this person is at least 18, the “I thought he said he was 16” defense is pretty insane. Chances are high that this is the dude who wants to correct everyone in the room about the difference between “pedophile” and “pederast” without realizing everyone wants him on a damn watchlist.

An Emotional Rollercoaster

Do you feel like laughing or crying? If you said “both,” then this is the Xbox Live message for you. It starts out with the typical trash talk until the recipient reveals how young he is. Then the message turns surprisingly wholesome. So wholesome, in fact, that the young man feels comfortable disclosing that his mother calls him “fat boy.”

Maybe he should give mom the controller? She has the spirit of a true gamer.

The Rich gamer Has Logged On

To put it mildly, there is a lot going on with this message. And that includes a really unfortunate spelling of the word “trailer.”

What’s really interesting, though, is the disparity between how much they claim to make each week and how rich they claim to be. Someone who makes $400 whole dollars a week will make a grand total of $20,800 in a year. That’s not much of an income for someone who lives in a $6 million mansion and drives a fancy Ferrari.

Please Say “Sike” https://twitter.com/nocontextmsgs/status/1389340848605777926/photo/1 For the purposes of our sanity, we’d like to think that this is a joke message. But all signs point to this being the most online incel to have ever held an Xbox controller. There are many things in this message that will leave your brain bleeding. But you’re probably going to wonder why he put “drooling” in quotation marks while you try to sleep tonight.

That’s Deep, Man

What’s worse than the usual cringe message from a random user? A cringe message from someone who just opened a philosophy textbook, of course!

While it may have been intended to be a threat, this strange message sounds like the user just discovered what existentialism is. But he probably could have finished the textbook in the time it took him to type out this rambling and meaningless message.