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Chained Up Woman
The tagline for this ad is that the Game Boy pocket is “seriously distracting.” To prove this, we see a player so distracted by a game that he ignores the sexy lady chained to his bed.Maybe Nintendo should have called this ad "50 Shades of Gray Handheld.”
The insane Game Boy ads continue with this one for Donkey Kong Land. It involves a tribal man proclaiming that these are “the coolest graphics.”But why is Nintendo handing out systems to tribes in faraway lands, and how many games has this dude actually played?The whole thing comes off as Nintendo exploiting someone’s tribal heritage for a joke with no punchline.
Ferret in the Trousers
Rounding out Nintendo’s insane Game Boy ads is this simple message that the system is “more fun than a ferret down your trousers.”Not only is this a weird marketing message, but it’s weird to see Nintendo using a rabid animal chowing down on a someone'e genitals as an advertisement.
Violence is Good
One of the original advertisements for Super Smash Bros. is truly bonkers. We see various people dressed as Mario and friends dancing to “Happy Together.”And once Mario trips Yoshi, they begin beating the crap out of each other. It’s a pretty accurate ad for the game, but kind of shocking to see Nintendo glorifying violence among all mascots.
Radio Zelda: Apocalypse Now
What if Nintendo did horror? The closest we have ever really come is the crazy “Radio Zelda” ads for Majora’s Mask.We see very little gameplay and instead see people all around the world bracing for the apocalypse.Nothing like the impending death of everyone on the planet to make you pick up that controller.
Horny for Mario
It doesn’t get much weirder than Kim Cattrall channeling her Sex and the City character to proclaim that while there are “many men” in her life, “she’ll always find time for Mario” for “a few minutes or a few hours.”This was meant to be a simple commercial for Super Mario 3D Land. Nobody expected to see a famous actress actively horny for Mario.
Players have long joked about how weird it is to see Mario as the animal-enslaving bad guy in Donkey Kong Jr.But this ad takes things to the next level, showing Mario as a sneering mafia thug and holding a banana as if it’s a gun.
Some of these commercials aren’t family-friendly because they are downright gross. That’s the case with this old Yoshi’s Island in which a gamer can’t stop eating until he literally explodes.From his dirty jowls to his fluid flying all over the other diners, this commercial is viscerally nasty from start to finish.
Weird Rat Sex
In terms of portable game systems, the Game Boy Micro was really awesome.But some liked it more than others, which we can see in this commercial where a lab rat begins humping the tiny console.To top it off, the scientist at the very end looks like he’s enjoying this a bit too much.
Peach’s #MeToo Moment
To advertise Super Luigi U, Nintendo released an ad where Peach is terrified and crying about an unseen threat.Eventually, we see the reflection in her eyes: she is terrified of Luigi and presumably, what Luigi is about to do to her.We don’t know what that is, but we know it’s not going to be family-friendly.
Kirby’s Erect Friend
This Kirby: Canvas Curse ad tried to lean into the touchpad possibilities of the Ninendo DS title. This led to the funny tagline “touching is good.”But if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant finger hanging out with Kirby in the ad looked like a giant penis instead, giving “touching is good” a whole new meaning.
Nintendo Kink Shames
This strange Nintendo 64 ad touts the low cost of certain titles. And in the ad, a young boy catches his father cross-dressing and realizes he can extort his dad to buy whatever he wants.The "extort your family” message is already bad enough, but we don’t need you to kink shame audiences, Nintendo. Especially when we all know Luigi enjoys cross-dressing as well.
Big Nintendo Goth Girlfriend
The Gamecube and its games weren’t always easy to advertise. In this ad, a young man sidles up next to a sexy gothic temptress. But when his face gets too close to her boobs, he is sucked into a haunted necklace and given a glimpse of Luigi’s mansion.When he emerges, she's been replaced by the Gamecube.Maybe the ad is about the joys of delayed pleasure? When your system is just a big cube, your company probably knows all about “edging.”
Kirby has been a weird character from the very beginning. In this ad for Kirby’s Dream Land, we see him trying to imitate the moves of an action hero.When he gets frustrated, Kirby sucks the dude up and then spits him out as a decapitated and dripping ball of head meat.By the end, Kirby has fully stolen the identity of the man he murdered. This is your hero, folks.
Don’t Play Like a Girl
This last ad is regressive, even by the standards of the late 1990s. In this ad for Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, the text on the screen asks “Willst though save the girl? Or play like one?”In addition to being offensive, it’s not even accurate. After all, part of the game’s story is how resourceful and clever Zelda is on her own.
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