Mario almost had a gun

Quick: what is Mario’s main weapon? Some of you may have said “fireballs,” but for the most part, Mario jumps on things with his trusty boots to kill them.

But in early development of the first game, Mario actually packed heat.

It was a special beam rifle you could use while riding around on a cloud. Watch out, Hammer Bros. Mario’s back, and this time, it’s personal...

Mario was actually bald

Mario is pretty famous for his hair. He takes the hat off, and we see those luxurious (sometimes brown, sometimes black) locks. But what if it’s all fake?

Early Donkey Kong merchandise, including coloring books from 1982, show that Mario is actually bald under his hat.

Does his full head of hair in later games represent a weird retcon, or has Mario been faking his hairline for decades?

Mario is based on an angry landlord

Back in the Donkey Kong days, Mario was simply known as “Jumpman.” So what was it that made Mario, Mario?

One day, when Nintendo of America was running late on their rent, their landlord, Mario Segale (a short dude who often wore suspenders), burst into the warehouse to yell at NOA president Minoru Arakawa in front of all his workers.

In turn, Nintendo named their new hero after this surprisingly fierce landlord.

By all accounts, Segale was a pretty chill dude (this incident aside) until his death in 2018. But the fact that Mario’s name and look come from an angry landlord explains everything you need to know about his dark history.

Mario pushed drugs

Jokes about Mario and drug use go back to the original Super Mario Bros., where he first “powered up” by eating magic mushrooms and special flowers. But did you know Mario is actually a drug pusher on the side?

In the original 1986 Super Mario Bros. movie (not to be confused with the later live-action trainwreck), Goombas dose Luigi up with special ‘shrooms that make him hallucinate. Mario decides to “fix” things by getting his brother more mushrooms.

Bad form, Mario. When it comes to getting high, there is no warp zone.

Mario is not of this world

Part of Mario’s charm is the everyman factor. Sure, he lands in a world of magic and monsters, but he started as a human from New York, right?

Not necessarily. According to a 1993 character manual, Mario and all of his friends are considered “homo-nintendonus.”

Some fans interpret this to mean Mario might be an alien. This was corroborated when PBS discovered Mario would need superhuman strength to navigate the heightened gravity of the new world he's in.

Mario was originally Popeye

Mario and his love of mushrooms is iconic. But what if he traded those ‘shrooms for spinach?

Way back when, Donkey Kong was being developed as a Popeye game. You’d play as Popeye trying to rescue Olive Oil from the villainous Bluto, all while powering up with spinach.

When Nintendo lost the Popeye rights, they shifted everything: Popeye is Mario, Bluto is Donkey Kong, Olive Oil is Pauline. The spinach became Mario’s iconic hammer.

Nintendo owns Mario porn

At this point, there is more Mario pornography than there are stars in the sky. But did you know Nintendo actually owns some of it?

Back in 1993, Ron Jeremy starred in two Mario porn parodies titled Super Hornio Bros. To keep this away from the public, Nintendo bought the rights so they could effectively bury this pornographic portrayal of their main character.

Mario is a mass murderer

If you ever read the Super Mario Bros. instruction manual, you'll see it contains the most horrifying secret in Mario history.

Before the game starts, Bowser and his evil minions transformed most of the Mushroom Kingdom denizens into things like bricks and plants. That means every single block Mario busts used to be a person.

Mario better hope that police warrant is in another castle.

Mario is an animal abuser

Real talk: Mario is an animal abuser. And no, we’re not talking about all those goombas and turtles.

Back in Donkey Kong Jr. (when he went by his criminal alias “Jumpman”), Mario wielded a whip to beat a captured Donkey Kong.

In Super Mario World, watch those animations closely. Mario is beating the hell out of Yoshi to force him to eat everything around him.

Mario and Bowser are unkillable

We know it’s a video game, but consider what the original Super Mario Bros. establishes about these characters.

Bowser is seemingly unkillable. Every four levels, Mario launches him into lava, and Bowser comes back for more. And Mario himself endlessly dies, always coming back for another battle.

These are not mortal beings. These are timeless gods locked into eternal combat, uncaring about anyone they destroy along the way.