Drinks His Own Pee

We never really see Master Chief take a break for a glass of water. Why? Because his armor has a special catheter that converts his pee into drinkable water.

Considering how much pee Chief must have consumed over the years, we can only surmise he has a really horrific Pornhub search history.

Started Training at Six Years Old

One of the creepier things about Chief’s history is that he was basically abducted and started training at six years old.

He’s all grown up by the time you take control of him, but it’s awkward to think that the entire series is an advertisement for how effective kidnapping and training child soldiers can be.

Can’t Get It Up

Deviantart would have you believe Chief is shagging everything that moves. Canonically, this is impossible, as Chief has a catalytic thyroid implant to help make him bigger and stronger.

But this also suppresses his libido, which means Master Chief is not going to help “finish the fight” for any lucky lads or ladies.

Never Takes the Armor Off

We rarely see Chief take off anything more than his helmet, and you might justify this by saying he’s usually busy fighting while you play.

But the novels specify that he keeps the armor on most of the day, every day. And when he takes it off, his skin is so pale that you might mistake him for a really dedicated gamer.

Weighs 1,000 Pounds

Ever wonder how heavy Chief is with all that armor? A whopping 1,000 pounds.

That makes sense until you remember how fast he moves and all the vehicles he gets into. Realistically, Warthogs and Ghosts should break as soon as Chonky Chief sits down.

Weirdly Lucky

You’d expect Master Chief, like most video game protagonists, to be fairly lucky. But his innate luckiness is actually canonical.

Dr. Halsey chooses him because he is luckier than other Spartan candidates, right down to his ability to accurately call a coin flip.

It turns out that Chief has been like Marvel’s Domino this whole time and we didn’t even know it.

Chosen By the Librarian

The Halo story gets weirder and more confusing, especially in Halo 4.

Part of that game involves the Librarian accelerating Chief’s evolution so that he can survive the composer weapon.

But why the Librarian chose Chief for this honor and what a super-evolved Chief looks like under that armor is never really answered.

Trained to Kill Humans

Master Chief is most famous for fighting Grunts, Elites, Brutes, and other members of the alien Covenant.

But he was trained and designed to fight rogue human colonies that didn’t want to be part of the United Space Command.

That’s right: alien-fighting Chief was created as the perfect way to kill humans.

Cryosleep Makes No Sense

When we first see Chief he's emerging from cryosleep. Unfortunately, cryosleep in the series basically makes zero sense.

People are supposed to go into the pod naked to avoid painful blisters and other wounds from freezer burn.

Chief going in all suited up means he would be a mess of scars, especially after spending four years in there.

Has a Dead Clone

Master Chief has a clone, and we’re not talking about the guy “Player Two” controls. The novels clarify that Chief had a clone in case he was damaged and needed spare parts.

Worse, the clone developed neurological damage and died after a few years, allowing the government to give the dead kid back to parents who didn’t know the real deal was now a freakish super-soldier.

“Mom” Finds Him Sexy

To Chief and other Spartans, Dr. Halsey became a kind of mother figure. Which gets really creepy when Cortana chooses to be paired with Chief and says she finds him attractive.

Halsey actually agrees with her, which is freaky on several different levels. As a courtesy, all of us must now ignore those “stepmom” videos on Chief’s computer.

Arcade Ace

It’s weird to imagine Master Chief at an arcade. But when he was a young boy, he spent so much time mastering arcade games that he was eventually banned from playing them.

We can only imagine that Chief spends his spare time playing Space Invaders and pretends he’s shooting down Covenant ships.

ODST Blood On His Hands

The UNSC has more than Spartans, of course. Other soldiers include the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers.

Weirdly enough, after Chief first gets some biological augmentations, he is pitted against four ODSTs and ends up killing two of them.

It was all a cruel test, but it’s bizarre to think about our protagonist having this human blood on his hands.

Secretly Brilliant

Chief is obviously brilliant on the battlefield, but would you believe he is just as brilliant in the classroom?

He was trained to be an expert in things like math, physics, and science, and he can perform complex calculations in his brain on the fly.

As strange as this is, it does explain his ability to accurately jump through space from one ship to another in Halo 2 without simply drifting into the void.

He’s Elderly

We know Chief was six years old when he started training, but do you know how old he is now? According to the novels, Chief is actually 46 at the time of Combat Evolved.

That’s already fairly old to be fighting in the field, and his relativistic travels through slipspace for four years (plus the time between games) has aged his body even further.

Ultimately, Master Chief may be one of the few video game action heroes that also qualifies for AARP membership.